4 posts from January 2009

"The lack of strong Chinese American role models in popular culture--or even of realistic images of Chinese Americans as diverse and multifaceted human beings--bothered me deeply. People tend to perform at a level society expects of them, not their actual potential, and I imagined there must have been many young Americans of Asian descent who suffered a crisis of confidence as a result of coming to see themselves as they thought others saw them. But worse , I also knew that, based on my knowledge of the literature on genocide, atrocities are more likely to occur if the perpetrators do not see their victims as real people. The first, essential, step toward getting a population to visit torture and mass murder on a group is to dehumanize the group, to reduce them to alien things. This is what those books, films, and television programs were doing they were far from depicting the kinds of fascinating, complex, accomplished people I knew."

I have to read this book called The Chinese in America for my history of chinese americans, and I am amazed by some surprisingly dead on observations about the "culture," tendencies moreso, of chinese immigrants (how most came over to seek higher education, lived in college towns, and seeked to gain a foothold intellectually rather than politically; this ultimately set them up to for the model minority myth). Crazy interesting observations. My dad lived in to denton to get his masters in computer engineering at UNT, before moving our family to plano-- i was not yet born then.

"For once, Keating could not follow people; it was too clear, even to him, that public favor had ceased being a recognition of merit, that it had become almost a brand of shame."--The Fountainhead

I haven't been this excited about a school since well senior year of high school. and even then i dont think i was this excited/nerve-wracked. The thought of getting hopes high and trying trying trying to get into a law school i want to go to is actually more daunting than i expected. i'm not going to go into this with a mindset of entitlement. I know that my scores are just average for this school--maybe even below?, but reading the mission and vision of Boalt, i feel like it screams my name (or maybe i just scream its name). in an interview, the dean remarked that they seek interesting and capable people to compose their student body-- even going so far as comparing the student body to a choir composed of 270 unique voices. interesting and capable. I dont know about the second criteria, but i'd like to think i have an interesting life.

so here it is... one new years resolution i will try and keep. i will be bold enough to want something enough to put my heart out there and get it. something that wont be easy and could bring great disappointment. but as the saying goes... the greatest rewards come from doing the things that scare you most.

(it's 3 am here in california- and it's in moments like these, alone, when the bittersweet pondering occurs)

God, how ridiculous that I would forsake you so easily.
and i'm not running back to you.
i'm not moving at all...
but i think that may be the right response.
to be and know.
recognize
i'm knee deep in my own mess
take it all in...
for without recognizing evil, there can be no good
without recognizing sin, there can be no grace
take me jesus, take me now
i pray you teach me to surrender all
don't let my body be fooled into spiritual intimacy by a song of praise
rather from it, help spring a meditation in my heart and mind.
let it be.

I was debating whether to publish this post publicly or not-- I decided to do so publicly. however intimate this 'psalm' may be for me, I don't know how my errors or prayers can be encouragement to others. but if it is, then good-- thank god.

i never intended to expand further, but to give you some context, i didn't intend to write that as a psalm or even a poem--but just a set of words, a prayer if you will. A few days ago, i was in big bear, CA, with my family and brother inlaw, and i got this overwhelming yearning for intimacy. and I let my mind wander to what ifs and be gratified by these false and unfair depictions-- consequently forsaking God. And it wasn't til i returned to LA that i realized/ God revealed to me the extent of my misjudgment. and i realized then how easily i had forgotten my God-- I felt like Peter denying Christ.. and after the third time Peter realizes what he's just done, and there's a moment of recognition, a light turns on, and the feeling is indescribable. it's a feeling of emptiness and deep sadness, a feeling of betrayal-- where i clasp my hands on my head and wonder what i've just done. and it's from that state of mind that i realize how wretched i am, and i am humbled and in reverance that God would forgive and love me still and forevermore. so my response is in recognition of that state of mind... just being and knowing.

here's to 2009. may this year bring you all great joy and new challenges to overcome. God bless!