i keep returning to the scene of the crime

(it's 3 am here in california- and it's in moments like these, alone, when the bittersweet pondering occurs)

God, how ridiculous that I would forsake you so easily.
and i'm not running back to you.
i'm not moving at all...
but i think that may be the right response.
to be and know.
recognize
i'm knee deep in my own mess
take it all in...
for without recognizing evil, there can be no good
without recognizing sin, there can be no grace
take me jesus, take me now
i pray you teach me to surrender all
don't let my body be fooled into spiritual intimacy by a song of praise
rather from it, help spring a meditation in my heart and mind.
let it be.

I was debating whether to publish this post publicly or not-- I decided to do so publicly. however intimate this 'psalm' may be for me, I don't know how my errors or prayers can be encouragement to others. but if it is, then good-- thank god.

i never intended to expand further, but to give you some context, i didn't intend to write that as a psalm or even a poem--but just a set of words, a prayer if you will. A few days ago, i was in big bear, CA, with my family and brother inlaw, and i got this overwhelming yearning for intimacy. and I let my mind wander to what ifs and be gratified by these false and unfair depictions-- consequently forsaking God. And it wasn't til i returned to LA that i realized/ God revealed to me the extent of my misjudgment. and i realized then how easily i had forgotten my God-- I felt like Peter denying Christ.. and after the third time Peter realizes what he's just done, and there's a moment of recognition, a light turns on, and the feeling is indescribable. it's a feeling of emptiness and deep sadness, a feeling of betrayal-- where i clasp my hands on my head and wonder what i've just done. and it's from that state of mind that i realize how wretched i am, and i am humbled and in reverance that God would forgive and love me still and forevermore. so my response is in recognition of that state of mind... just being and knowing.

here's to 2009. may this year bring you all great joy and new challenges to overcome. God bless!