wild at heart

*here are some notes from an old sermon; I'm glad i wrote it all down. maybe it can be of some encouragement to you!

a person who knows that god has provided his strength or life, is a person who can work the problem of loneliness.

the older you get the more it takes to fill your heart with wonder. and only god is big enough to fill that heart of ours... this fulfillment comes not just from knowing god is your lord and savior, but comes from worship which is seeped in gratitude.

1) need love cries out to god out of its poverty - it comes to god and says have mercy on me a sinner
2) gift love comes to god and says I want to give you my life
3) appreciation love comes to god and says how excellent is your name in all the earth

when you spy a lovely young maiden,
need love says, "wouldn't it be lovely to have her love and share my life with her"
gift love says, "i would love to serve her with my love"
appreciation love says, "even if she never belongs to me, she's still a lovely young lady"

isn't it intriguing that a man bound up in the dungeons of Beirut came back from there and "found out that you can be alone and still have something in your heart greater than the darkness around you."

-------

i pray that i make no excuses in following Christ-- and that the Lord humbles and overwhelms me such that I may taste deep and soulful joy, security, humility, and worship

not an escape, but a fresh perspective maybe?

serious relationships/marriage must be crazy. a fusion of lives really. I can't even imagine what that's like. wouldn't that get suffocating (maybe a little bit)?

why is needtobreathe so good? a fusion of third day, lifehouse, casting crowns, and a hint of midwest country/gospel.

What does it profit a man to gain the whole world, but lose his soul?

Christine: I'm really glad we got to hang out this week at VBS. I think it is the most we've seen each other in the past two years. I'll take the blame lol

I have recently been reminded and convicted regarding the injustices of the world. I used to be so passionate about fighting these things. I won't make any excuses for myself.

It's fear & faithlessness.

But these things are to be conquered. And conquered they shall be.

no more excuses.

I suppose I ought to reflect on and share my thoughts on CYLC this year. I confess this year was very bittersweet to me. I celebrated my 20th birthday there, and it served as a reminder that my years as a counselor are finished while adding to the reality that I'm graduating from college next year and will be soon be on my own. All the while, I really appreciated that a lot of my former campers and friends became counselors. I've seen them mature into young adults, and although I am a bit envious of their youthfulness, I remind myself that love does not envy but rejoices-- and so I rejoice. I was super encouraged by specific examples which showed how God used me even when I was unaware, while realizing that this is a trend that will continue as long as I keep seeking out the king. This year at camp I realized the importance of community/fellowship. While teaching classes definitely served an important purpose, the lack of a tight community to share it with really detracted from the experience. Maybe we just weren't mentally or emotionally prepared for it--but that too just comes with time and experience. Plus, I figure this camp has given enough to me; it's probably time to return the favor. I've witnessed the effort and planning that goes into running a camp like this (and it blows my mind). Maybe one day, wherever I end up, I can help organize a camp like this; that would be awesome. But back to my point: relationships are so important. I think whether we're in someone's life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime-- we have to seize the opportunity and love on them. I guess knowing that I'm heading out into the "real world" soon has one positive aspect-- that is urgency. I'm seeing so many bright and blossoming personalities from this camp, and I think a part of me wants to ensure that they know they have people who care for them and are there for them... or as Michael Jackson puts it... "[they] are not alone." I expect for a lot of these kids, being able to interact in this kind of close environment is not typical at all--so I think it's important allthemore to pour into eachother while we still have the opportunity. I think the same could be true for my own peers at UT. In CSA & AACM next year, I hope to encourage and invest in my officers the same way my predecessors invested in me.

Here's to CYLC. Another successful year of making friendships & family. Next summer I'll be biking to Alaska so I won't be able to help out. I dont know when the next time I can come back will be. But I encourage yall to keep impacting lives and building meaningful relationships.

I know; I am so cheesy.

peace. 

Camp is coming up and I am excited! although there were a lot more ups and downs this year, i have faith that all will turn out well. this year i will be teaching ballroom and helping with basketball. i really enjoy seeing old faces again-- and camp really is more than anything an excuse for these old friends to get together for a good cause (leadership/relationship development). I think i'll miss being a counselor, but times change and i find that i'm at the stage where more than ever, emotionally and mentally, i have to prepare myself for the "real world." It kind of stinks as it doesn't feel like that long ago my greatest worries were majors and colleges--while in the end, i knew i'd be going somewhere doing something. now it seems I really have to learn to be independent, self/god-reliant, where I have to make the decisions for myself. my friends speak truth when they say TAMS has now forced me to face the world sooner than i expected (or even feel ready for).

but in the end, god is good and if i keep seeking after him all will be well.

on a separate note, seeing how much i have on my plate next year, i must confess that i am often overwhelmed with a sense of entitlement. CSA president sounds real flashy and all, but being honest with myself, I can't say that i earned it, but that it was given to me-- stewarded to me. pretty much everything i have is. i'm really no more qualified than some of my friends who didn't make the texas 4000. and yeah i've gone through cylc enough to know what works and what doesn't, but i need to remind myself that all that i have has been given to me-- this means opportunities, relationships, parents, economic conditions, education, teachers, unconditional love.

i've realized in college that i need to be honest with myself--even at the cost of supposed satisfaction. i'm beginning to realize that god really has my best in mind, in all things, and i need to constantly remind myself that obedience is the venue to fulfilling god's will and plan. also, i look forward to growing into a man of god-- so that when and if i decide to start dating/ get hitched/ support a family, i can be the provisionary god calls all men to be.

so this entry went a bit off topic. that's okay-- at least i had the opportunity to reflect on some things which is always good. I wish i could express myself through enigmatic wording and poetic phrases-- like through art. but i'm too simple-minded. That's okay, i'll manage.

Peace.

I seek to dwell in the house of the lord. because at least there i can be certain I am at that moment fulfilling god's will.

please pray that i will be well fed by the word and not be tempted by the things of the world.

i trust that god's commandments are for my own good-- because he, not i, knows what's best for me.

humility--- do not build from sand

the word is sharper than any double edged sword.... so pierce.

Wow this summer has been going by very slowly. Maybe this is because I'm jam packing my days with goals and tasks to finish. Since taking the LSAT, I've felt very unnerved and very conscious of the time I spend doing other things. Maybe this is because I recognize that if I don't manage my time well now, when I retake it in October, a very likely possibility, I will be up to my neck with tasks to balance. So, in my three weeks of "grace" until my scores come out, I try to accomplish as much as I can regarding fundraising for the Texas 4000 and working on my personal statements.

I'm actually really enjoying the process of organizing stuff for the T4k. The process is strangely pacifying. Perhaps this is because I can measure the progress I'm making and I know this is for a cause I stand behind. The end goal is clear and attainable-- I just need to follow through.

Here's a conviction: my busyness. Even during the school year, Andy and Ben always got on my case about how busy I was... maybe they were the only ones to actually be really forward about it. I think that they have a point. I question whether I strive to do all these different things for my sake or God's. I confess that I have had a very adverse reaction to complacent Christians, but could I be living out the other extreme? That is being faithless in my overachieving mindset. I guess I'm just not wise enough yet. It's true, I see opportunities and more often than not I go for them. Sadly, I accept many of these things with a worldly perspective unintentionally but accepted nevertheless. When will I have the faith to let God reign supreme. I'm not saying that my duties and activities are mutually exclusive with Lordship... but I need to alter the lens through which I view some of my activities. It's true, becoming CSA president has its perks, but I must confess the position also comes with many temptations-- at least from an eternal perspective. It's easy to feel entitled to the position, which I am definitely not. It's easy to lose sight of the King even in conducting administrative planning and such. It's easy to be easily angered. It's easy to want to measure the worth of the club in the number of members we can attract. It's easy to compare our club with others on campus. But eternally, what are any of these worth? The relationships make the clubs truly shine. That said, I think I've established a personal vision for the organization.

Please pray that as I steward the role of president next year, I may seek God out and obey him in the relationships and duties he has blessed me with. I pray for a contrite and humble heart and for wisdom to grow to be a more Godly man... slow to anger, quick to serve... also that I may better live out lordship in my heart and through my body. I know it will be difficult and trying, but with your prayers and mine-- I have faith God will hear and answer.

I wonder what strawberry wine tastes like.

I'm gonna miss ballroom. Strangely, ballroom dancing has this "getting lost in the moment" effect. Where you don't really have to think. You can just dance and enjoy the music. I wanna waltz. :)

I found a new research lab today-- It's crazy how true scripture is when it says "you will seek me and find me when you seek me with all of your heart." without fail this past day was an answered prayer... and so encouraging. Anyways, the research I'll be doing is actually with one of my former students from ballroom! we'll be measuring the sound waves emitted by rats with parkinson's disease when performing various tasks. I am really excited to be finishing UT with this project.

I have finished my last two papers for the year and will soon begin focusing full time on my LSATs. I feel like i've reached a point where I just wanna do my best-- invest the most that i can-- and see what it lands me. I guess faith is always easier when you're pretty worn out.

I wonder why christian music is so repetitive. I guess I really never noticed-- or maybe didn't really mind. I still don't.

CSA president-- People always ask if i'm excited or not. I think the best way i can field that question is by saying that yes I am excited... but not cus i'll be president and have everything my way, but because I have the opportunity to actively speaking into people's lives... my officers, members, peer student orgs. Please pray that i can be a good steward of that.

Texas 4000- I got in. Holy cow. I don't think the notion that I'll be biking to Alaska one year from now (probably in the best shape of my life) has hit me yet. This is an amazing cause and i'm flattered to be participating in it. I just hope I can make it through the year (raising $4500, organizing, and training) to next summer.

Importantly GIGs - I'm actually nervous about leading this next year. I don't know how God will use me and I don't know how it'll pan out. but it's something you can be praying God works through. and please pray that god'll call someone to lead with me.... unless he wants me to fly solo....... I still think it better to co-lead b/c then you have someone keeping you accountable as well.

I can't believe Leian's really getting married. can't say it's hit me yet, maybe it will when they're living together in cali and have babies. haha.

I found a sermon by Jeremiah Wright (Obama's "controversial" pastor). It's called the "Audacity of Hope" and I found it actually very insightful. too bad he'll forever be labeled the racist pastor. I'm wondering if he's really just saying what everyone is thinking. and b/c he speaks out about it, all the opponents are getting all politically correct on him (as though they've never thought or said anything racist). Doesn't justify his actions, but at least they ought to show some grace.

this is my father's world
 o let me ne'er forget
that though the wrong seems oft so strong
 god is the ruler yet...